The Curious case of our hearts

Why do bad things affect us more, only after they have left us.

I think maybe I have a love- hate kind of relationship with myself. Every time it gets easier my heart finds new ways to discover that maybe its not and maybe I have (*note again) buried my problems.

Months ago I was working for a good, reputed organisation that set up high expectations of me, from me. The work pressure, the obvious reckless inconsideration of time and personal space was hovering all over my life but well, no one tells us that this is not normal, because maybe anything becomes normal when its celebrated on a wide scale.

I will not say that I had the generic “World’s worst boss” because that might belittle my personal experience, but what the hell, I did have the World’s worst boss. Things went from ‘I can take this its normal to be stressed at work’ to ‘ I can take this its normal to be harassed at work’. I set my own limits, limits to how much I can take it, limits to what exactly ‘serious’ harassment is. I tested my own patience and mental health in the name of self-retrospection, let me repeat, constant-obsessive self-retrospection that involved calling him out against his actions but then forgiving him at the end of the day.

The new place I started working for is completely different and feels a bit too overwhelming. I mean I just don’t have to understand and make my peace with the whole ‘he/she might be just acting out due to the work pressure’ which FYI never gives a right to anyone to act ‘that’ way. I was content with the way things were going and I didn’t have to carry the load of my work back home very night.

Two days ago it hit me. Oh the unavoidable, annoyingly recurring, existential question ‘ Why didn’t I do more?’. I was devastated, not only it occurred to me in the middle of a coffee break, but right in front of my colleagues. I mean think of all the bonding I lost and the aroma of the coffee that actually sets the mood for a mid day work pump. I kept pondering, whatever happened to me was not at all normal and I should have made him realize how scarring it was to work with him. I had all this anger pent up inside me, and I couldn’t make him realize how lucky he was to have escaped a confrontation.

I couldn’t feel more miserable.Even though I know there’s nothing to be done, its in the past, but I also can not escape the feeling I felt in the first place. Its like he still had a control over my mood and priorities. I can physically feel my body slowing down with all the anger and sorrow. I have hundred different questions to this state, one of them is why does it has to affect me more after its dead?

Why do we cry more when we clearly know its a thing of the past? The ‘ should have done more’ affects us more than the actual experience. Is it because there are no healthy discussions on it? Or like all things bitter it is normalized too? How do we ease the pain and move forward? How do I forgive?

As spiritual as one can get, answers to these questions are not hidden at the back of our minds or within ourselves. Its in different places, for example, you take a metro and a random stranger smiles when you say sorry for stepping on their shoes, or sometimes even joking around helps. What I try to imply is, that sometimes books and sayings can go wrong and we may have to look into the other person’s heart to find answers, because they might have the pieces to puzzle that are your questions. It might be a long, frustrating effort to put our egos aside and actually get involved in a conversation, but it helps, not now not tomorrow, but it helps in a way it never has.

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