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I fear I am incapable

Of making love

Because the me you spoke of

With words of worship

Words of adoration

“You’re beautiful”

“You’re gorgeous”

I couldn’t believe them

And I hated the false version of me

Reflected in your eyes

Each time you pulled out

You pulled forth more of my insecurities

And I only felt smaller

Each time you thrust back in

Like I was being crushed —

Like you were smothering me with the knowledge

That I found no pleasure in you

You are the subsitutue

The replacement

Let in to fill the hole in me

When you look in my eyes

And gasp my name

And choke on honeyed words

Your voice like a rapturous prayer

I cannot keep my guilt at bay

And it builds with every meeting of our hips

So with each sinuous roll of flesh

I am rendered breathless

Not by your tender affections

But by my own insidious dread

In my first lover

I sought you for your desire

That the light in your eyes

And the revelation in your voice

Would revive the fire in me

In my first lover

I realized the full power

Of that shade called self-loathing

Reflected in your eyes

And killing me with every movement of your hips

In my second lover

I sought to heal the scars from the first

To know your lust for me

Was more than skin deep

Or a temporary affliction of madness

In my second lover

I learned what it truly meant

To be a replacement for another

But we clung to each other anyways

Like starved animals

In my third lover

I sought to connect

Our minds before our bodies

And made promises to myself

That were never mine to keep

In my third lover

I learned that sometimes even love

Is not enough

And that sometimes it’s worse

To have never felt your touch at all

In my future lovers

I know I will continue to chase

False prophecies of salvation

Accepting condemnation

Disguised as worship and praise

In my future lovers

I will seek your bodies

Like a warm salve

For my world-weary soul

And when you leave I will crack all over again

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