Your scars of survival are your armor for life

Our #1 rule as a species on this planet is … Survival.

More than anything else we will fight to survive. This is a fantastic instinct to have. It means that you are already wired to fight, to strive, to kick-ass when the shit hits the fan!

Is it always easy?

Is every day sunshine and rainbows?

No, but you already know that.

Right now, you’re going through your own stuff, you’re working through your own problems. You’re getting it done and trying to keep it together while getting it done. Some are going through worse things then others, but everyone is going through something.

The point is that you need to survive. The world is a big bad-ass place that at times wants to crush you. Know that with every terrible thing that you survive you are putting more and more armor on yourself for the next time. It may sound crazy, but the hard and the bad are parts of life that make you survive. Every time the slap of the world throws you to the ground is a time in which you find the strength and determination to survive. Every time it happens you become stronger, you become wiser, you become a better you — because you picked yourself up and refused to lie down to die! You survived, where many others have not. Why?

Because your first rule of life is Survival. You are a fighter!

Every time you find yourself slipping through the cracks, every time you feel like this is the end, that you can’t get back up, remember all of the blows you’ve survived before. Think about how terrible it was when you fell the last time, how devastated you were and then remember that you survived! Remember that you picked yourself up and dusted yourself off and are still standing today. You have so much strength, so much power that you don’t even realize is within you, but you need to hear it, you need to feel it, you need to remember it. No matter the pain, the trauma, the brutality of what life throws at you remember your strength and the power it has to get you through.

My Rape: During my life I have been in some amazing relationships with some amazing people. However, on that same note, I have been in some major fucked up relationships that left battle scares that I carry with me. Making my way through my Sophomore year I found myself in a relationship with a guy who pulled me out of a hopeless breakup and brought me back to life with his letters, conversations and beautiful affection for me. He made me feel as if I was the only person he could see in the entire world and after the breakup I had just gone through I could not help but fall for his charm. The relationship would last a few months, as some relationships in high school will be short lived, but during this time my family had taken him in to our home to live with us. You see, his family was an extremely difficult place to live and at times abusive. Finally, his parents kicked him out for good and with no place to go my family decided that it was the right thing to do and allowed him to come and live with us.

So, here’s some background: The person who came to live with me was a drug dealer and during this time I was supplied with drugs on a moment’s notice. My Sophomore year became about getting high instead of going to school. I would skip weeks at a time without thought. During this time the relationship ended, but we still allowed him to stay in our home, as to my own family this guy had become a part of our lives, a part of the family.

Life went on, not easily, and the drugs continued to flow. Our once fantastic romance was now an abusive day to day event. The person that had once been so kind to me was falling away to an abusive prick whose drug use was turning him more and more violent and destructive, until finally one night it happened …

High on whatever pills he had popped, or whatever he had smoked, or drank or whatever, he came in to my room in the middle of the night.

I tried to scramble away, but he was to strong. Keeping me down, so I could not escape, he proceeded to rape me until he was satisfied. Once done he left the room without a second glance. I crawled back in bed and waited for morning, watching the door with fear that he would come back within the night. When morning did finally come around I rushed to the shower and I scrubbed my skin raw to try and get the smell of him off my body, to try and make myself think that nothing had happened.

I told no one at first and did not tell my mother till I was in my late twenties. I thought by not being able to fend him off meant that I was weak, I thought that I was keeping my families honor by keeping the secret. However, as time went on I did tell one person, a friend by the name of John — someone who had loved and cherished me. When he heard my story, he wept for me and wanted to know why anyone would do such a thing to me. I remember it being one of the most touching moments of my life, that a guy would weep for the pain that I had endured, that a guy would wish to do anything to take that pain away.

In that moment I came to realize something that I have carried with me every day since — I had survived and would keep on surviving. After such an unforgiveable moment, I had made it to the next day, and the day after that and the day after that. I would not let that nightmare define my life. I now had a new battle scare that I would carry and although I will never forget that night, I will not allow it to dictate how the rest of my life turns out. I gather strength from the ashes of that crime.

I stand tall knowing that I have survived!

You have survived!

Every war wound of what you have gone through is another moment in which you could have laid down to die, but you didn’t, you are still here, striving and fighting.

You are still HERE!

The strength within you will carry you through, even when you feel that you have nothing more to give. You’ve got this, even when you think you don’t. Stand tall, stand proud for the battles you have made it through to see the next light of day. We may not win them all, but being alive at the end is the major win that no one can take from you! Live beautiful one! For no person, no situation can take from you the strength and power you hold inside to survive.

You are Not a Porcelain Doll

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