Relationships

Day 110 of writing daily & self reflections.

As I’ve felt more empowered by my writing, I’ve begun to wonder about myself more.

It seems as if all the dots, patterns and ideas I’ve connected make plausible sense, but I sometimes don’t know how to create a different outcome, efficiently. I find myself repeating the same practices — not being assertive enough in life, in my career, in events, dating the same type of men, procrastinating, and making the wrong decisions.

It’s odd to begin to see yourself from a different light, as if watching yourself on the operating table from the ceiling, watching the surgeon take the precise cuts over and over again. Finally, when it’s your time to be the surgeon, you’re not exactly sure what to do. You have a faint idea, but not truly.

I get annoyed with myself for falling back into the same behavior around certain people. There is a version of myself, that I don’t like. A young, girlish incapable me. Jokey me. Old me. I become frustrated with myself for not being more assertive, intelligent or witty. Why does my mind melt around certain people?

I think I have to realize that I don’t feel 100 with certain people. In public, talking to people at events, it feels I have to revert to a jokey self. Do people even want to have textured conversations anymore? Why do people balk at anything more personal than a Game of Thrones conversation?

I feel so awake and in love with life, in a world of sleepwalkers. I try and appreciate the world for it’s splendor, and I work hard to make the world a better place with every action that I take. I try to make MYSELF a better person. I try to live a life worth living.

And I can’t be mistaken for a churlish kid who doesn’t know what she wants.

I, personally, am not assertive enough? Even when I feel like I am. There has to be a way that they can think of that.

I have to start thinking of myself with more worth. More tenacity. More grit. More capability. More EVERYTHING.

I feel intimidated by intelligent people. I don’t like that I can’t think as fast when I am around them. I don’t like when they don’t listen to me. I don’t like that I feel secondary.

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